Being Single and Battling Porn

Porn or XXX

The evil words that we hear all the time but no one ever talks about.

It's that secret sin that people rarely admit to participating in however, I read once there is a website that has somewhere around 100 Million views a day. YouTube has 1 Billion people visiting them a month. So imagine if you combined this website's daily view along with other notable porn site? The number would probably exceed YouTube in viewers. That just goes to show how many people view porn on a day to day basis. YouTube alone can be addicting clicking from video to video, now imagine someone who is addicted to porn watching it hour after hour, day after day. But what does this information have to do with us as Christians? The reason why porn is important to those that are single is because 75% of those who watch porn are people who are single. So chances are, to those that are single reading this blog, you might struggle with porn or lust in some sort of way. But no one in the church wants to talk about it. It's a sin in secret. It's a sin that we can tuck away and never talk about with other people. We can put on a good show to our friends and church but deep down inside we know that this exists, but how do we deal with it?

Similar to drugs people at first might start off looking at porn out of curiosity but over time we use it as an escape. There has even been studies done looking at the brain of a drug addict and the brain of a porn addict and it said it is practically the same. Had a bad day a work and need to relax? Watch Porn. Sick and tired of being single and rejected? Look at porn. Need to feel some type of love and intimacy? Watch porn. Have a fear of talking to girl and long to be in a situation where you feel in control? Look at porn. 

Porn over time becomes an escape and a way to deal with day to day problems. Instead of going to God and relying on Him to deal with our issues and anxieties, we instead many of times turn to what we think can deal with our issues. 

But here is the truth of the matter: Porn will not nor will it ever solve any of your problems

Think about porn versus real life:

In porn, nothing goes wrong. There are the most beautiful girls who achieve orgasm every time, that have no STD's, don't get pregnant and they give up sex so easily. All it takes is a knock on the door and a "I heard there is a problem with the plumbing" or a "I have an pizza order here for a Ms. Naughty." and BAM like the woman is at your command filling in your every desire.

It reminds me of the scene in "500 Days of Summer" where the movie shows a split screen showing the expectations vs. reality. The movies shows to events going on at the same time

He walks into the party with the idea of how things are gonna play. He walks and lays out his charm and then BAM make out session. But that's not what really happens and that is not how life plays out

In real life having sex has its consequences. It is nothing like in the porn or in our minds, that everything will come out fine and nothing is going to happen afterwards. How many times have you included contracting an STD or the girl getting pregnant in your fantasy? Never right? But guess what? The reality is, is that the chances of that happening is a lot higher that your expectation of sex really is. 

Don't get me wrong. I am not preaching from my high horse saying I'm perfect and you have to be as wholesome as me because like I mentioned in one of my other blog entries, I think of my lust like a werewolf. I can be fine one day than out of no where I have this, what I feel like, an uncontrollable urge to have sex with a girl I find attractive or I think back on all the opportunities that I declined when I could have had sex and imagine what would have happen if I had said yes. 

 Many men of God in the Bible had issues of sex and lust. Samson was the strongest man in the Bible but had a weakness towards women. King Solomon had a oomph number of wives and concubines and  King David had sex with a married woman and then tried to cover it by have the husband killed in battle. 

In Psalms 51, you see his repentance that he has for his sin:

Psalm 51

For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge. Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;  wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins  and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, so that sinners will turn back to you. Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, you who are God my Savior, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is[b] a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. May it please you to prosper Zion, to build up the walls of Jerusalem. Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous, in burnt offerings offered whole; then bulls will be offered on your altar."

This Psalm is beautiful because it shows how many times we feel after we have a lustful spell or we watch porn or any kind of sin for that matter. We are born sinners but Jesus Christ was born for us to die daily to our sin and for us to be reborn into being part of His new kingdom. 

There is so much that can be dealt with sex and pornography so I am going to save more for another time. But some last few words to think about is this. Everything that God says is for a reason. Even those outside the Christian community have spoken and talked about the dangers of constant pornography use. 

Infographic: Is Internet porn destroying our sex lives?

10 Reasons Why You Should Quit Watching Porn

Also if you are a porn addict and a Christian and you need more information regarding help go to

www.XXXchurch.com

If you have any questions or prayer request email me at Single.Xavier23@gmail.com 

Message To The Men: Never tire of doing good

First let me say, I am a Christian but I am still weak and many times I have been on the boarder of giving up the Christian walk



I have a mix group of friends. I have friends that are Christians and others that are not or they grew up in the church, but church is not something of high importance. More like something that they grew up in and is a familiar social environment but never made a conscious decision to follow God.

The friends that don't really follow Christ. Lets call them Group X

Friends of Group X so many times over and over again have had sex with multiple girls with no consequence. Messed around with multiple girls at the same time, while they had girlfriends, while the girls had boyfriends and each time they walk away clean as whistle. I remember once making out with a girl on one occasion and it turning to a huge mess. 

I look at their life and its frustrating because here I am being the nice guy.

(What is sad is I love the color grey :/)

Saying no and purposely not placing myself in situations where I might have sex, I thought God would bless me with a wholesome Christian relationship, but instead I'm left with frustrating situations literally one after the other while my friends engage in the joys of the flesh without consequences. God what happen to consequences? What happen to repercussions when someone does something bad? Why am I getting the short end of the stick?

My friends would see this and laugh so many times because they see the struggle and they are like "Wow Xavier...you should just screw a chick just once and get it over with" and many times I have considered it.

My mind plays back on all the girls who I know I could have sex with. I think about how it easy it would be. Most of them have their own place and I know if I play the "I don't give a crap about you but I'll pretend I do" charm that I'll easily get them to sleep with me no problem or at least fool around with them.

But I in the end of the day I can not give up on doing what I know God wants me to do.

"For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith." - Galatians 6:9

For those reading this, you don't know how weary I am. Sometimes I am at the end of my rope with doing good.

But for me to be angry at God for not allowing me to be in a relationship is like, a child getting upset at a parent for not buying them something expensive in the store. Everyone in school has this thing, all their friends were able to enjoy the wonders of this expensive object and the child feels like the parents are holding back out of just pure spite. A parent clothes the child, feeds the child, gives all the proper attention and necessity for the child to grow but yet the relationship of the child is strained when he or she don't get their way. The parent is not purposely holding back out of being malicious but the parent, knowing better than the child , knows that at that moment it would not be to the best interest of the child to have that object.



God in many ways is similar. He clothed me, He has blessed me tremendously in a whole bunch of different areas and here I am upset at Him because He is not allowing me to be in a relationship. In return I'm tempting to destroy the temple where He resides.

Yes us as single men in Christ will be tempted to give up the road of singleness for meaningless sex, but remember what we are called for. Remember what Christ died for. He died so we wouldn't have to carry the burden of sin with us to the afterlife. He has called us for something greater, something Holy, something grand. We are not called to follow the trend of the sex life.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will." - Romans 12:2

Have faith and hold steadfast Christian men do not lose faith!!

E-mail me at:  Single.Xavier23@gmail.com if you have any questions, opinions, or have a prayer request.

Forgiveness

Despite me being single, I had my fair share of heartbreak. I think because I've never been in a lot of solid relationships, many times people think I don't know how it is to face disappointment 


 

But the truth is I have. I know how it's like to meet a girl who speaks to you on every level. A woman who loves God, makes you laugh, and just makes you feel more great about yourself. Like she compliments you in everyway.

 

Then out of no where she ends it...

 

"Sorry Xavier, I'm just not ready for a relationship"

"I ran into my ex and all these feelings came up and I'm just confused"'

"I'm actually talking to someone right now.."

"I see you as a friend"

(All four were told to me this year alone)

 

You ask yourself what happened? Everything was cool just a week ago. They were the ones that pursued you, that showed interest in you, told you how much they liked you then all of a sudden they change their minds like that!? That quick!? Had the roles reversed and I treated them they way they treated me and then told them what they told me, I would have been seen as a player, a flirt, a jerk, and fake Christian and the list goes on and on.

 

I just remember being so upset with God and so upset each time a situation with a girl ended.

 

"How can they do this to me, after all that I did and tried my best to be the best Christian guy I can be. I opened up to them only because they pursued me and lead me to believe they wanted something serious. God how could you let something like this happen!?"

 

The resentment builds up. It's a mix of anger and shame.

 

Anger due to the fact that we felt betrayed and mislead, and shame because we felt so venerable like our emotions were undressed in the cold.

 

You don't know how much anger I was carrying with me when it came to these girls. Especially my ex.

 

The reason why this is being brought up is just because you are single does not mean that all those pains and troubles that you have will just go away on its own. You are still carrying emotional baggage with you where ever you go. The path of being single is more than just not being with someone, it's also a mindset you need to have. To be ready to serve God you need to know how to give up those emotional baggage to Him.

 "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." - 1 Peter 5:7

In this verse in the original context was an encouragement to other Christians facing physical abuse so now I am using this verse to encourage Christians facing emotional abuse

Jesus did not die on the cross for us to carry the burden for ourselves. When we gave our lives to Christ we gave Him everything. Our wants, our dreams, our desires and that also includes our anxiety, our hurt, our pain. When a guy or girl does you wrong, breaks your heart, or disappoints you, whatever hurt you feel, cast all that heart break upon to Lord for Him to heal you and guide you through it.

Part of the healing process is forgiveness.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." -Ephesians 4:32

You don't know how many girls I know go through this issue with men. I have one female friend that till this day when I speak to her will bring up men from almost 8 years ago and all this pain and hurt they brought her. And she carries that with her every time she talks to someone new. When I talk to people like this it reminds me of the show Hoarders



If you never have watched the show, its about people who collect all this trash and junk over LOOONNNGGG periods of time and it just piles up and piles up and piles up till its almost impossible to live there anymore until people come and clean up the clutter in their house. The people who own these houses the whole time fight to keep all this stuff and it's just so hard for them to let go.  

Our disappointment and hurt is like that sometimes. We collect all these emotions over LOOONNNGGGGG periods of times and the emotions just keep on piling up and piling up and piling up until its almost unbearable to deal with it anymore. But guess what?

Jesus is there to clean it up. But we need to know how to let go of it. We need to know how to forgive those who wronged us, who disappointed us. We don't forgive to then invite them back into our lives for the potential for us to get hurt again, but we forgive because Christ forgave us first so we need to forgive others.

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." - Matthew 6:14-15

We can't carry this sin as well when we come to God:

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” - Matthew 5:23-24

"Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us" - Luke 4:11

God has great things for you during your season of singleness. But during this time of singleness think if there has been anybody that has hurt you? Disappointed you? Did you forgive them? Are you hoarding all these emotions that Jesus wants out of you for Him to cast on His shoulders?

Take this time to pray and one cast all anxiety on God and pray forgiveness for those who did wrong to you.

 

 

 

 

Relevant Magazine Article

So I was checking out one of my favorite websites and came across this:

 5 Things I Wish I'd Done Before Marriage

Makes a lot of points about things as Christians what we should do before engaging into marriage but specifically on singleness that the author, Jared Lafitte, makes is this:


"When Paul talks about the benefits of being single in 1 Corinthians 7:7, he’s saying people should be taking advantage of their freedom in singleness to serve others. I wish I had taken more time to learn how to deny myself and serve others instead of quickly becoming married and pulling another person into my self-absorbed world."


"In a lot of ways, I had a pretty skewed understanding of marriage and singleness when I got married. I kind of idolized marriage and demonized singleness. This started way back in college, when I got into a relationship with a girl I really wanted to marry. When she broke up with me, I took it really hard, which showed how out-of-whack I was. It didn’t take me long to pursue another girl, then another one and so on. I was pretty insecure. I thought that being married meant you had arrived and being single meant you were less of a person. Now I know that I was completely wrong. I wish I’d spent my early twenties learning to cherish singleness as an opportunity to glorify God, not belittle it. Perhaps I could have spent more years in my early and mid-twenties enjoying singleness and all it has to offer."

Singleness does not mean there is anything wrong with you. But if you are insecure, you can not find that security in someone else. That security can be only found in Christ Jesus, the One who created you and loves you.

A man or woman can not complete you. You are already complete. God's covenant union is the only time that two people are completed as one. Till then, bask in your singleness. Do not take for granted the opportunity and time God has given you.

Letter To My Future Daughter

Although in the moment I am living a single life from time to time I do think about my future family. I think more about my kids then I do my wife

Crazy I know

Most men think about the future wife they want to marry, how she'll look like, what kind of personality she'll have, but no not me.

I think about my kids, especially my daughter.



Its in thinking about my daughter that makes me understand God even more. The reason is, is because for me I can't wait until my daughter is born. I don't know why but I just want to pour out ever bit of love unto her. I want to tell her every day I love her and how pretty she is. I want to be there when she falls to pick her up. I want to be there in the good moments and in the bad moments. I know she might go through her rebellious stage and not want to say I love you back, but to me that doesn't matter because I want to show her that love. I picture tucking her into bed reading Bible stories and praying with her. Just pouring out every single drop of love and helping her to become on fire for Christ. I want her to be better than me in every single way. I want her to be funnier than me, smarter than me, more outgoing than me. I want her to be 10x the person I am and ever will be. Just typing this gets me excited because I can not WAIT until I have a daughter. I'm just literally itching for the day I can hug her and give a big kiss and say "Daddy loves you SOOO much"

And in many ways that is Christ's love for us.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be." - Psalms 139: 14-16

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:37-39 
 
"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." - 1 John 4:9-10

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:8

God loved us before we were even born, before we even breathed our first breath He loved us and already had plans for us. He loved us so much so He committed the most ultimate of sacrifices in order so that we can spend eternity with Him. He seeks after us every single day. He wants great things for us. Even when we mess up. Even when we fall short He is there ready to accept us with open arms. 

C.S. Lewis in the book, Problem of Pain, He breaks God's love for us so well

"If God is Love, He is, by definition, something more than mere kindness. And it appears, from all the records, that though He has often rebuked us and condemned us, He has never regarded us with contempt. He has paid us the intolerable compliment of loving us, in the deepest, most tragic, most inexorable sense."

"We were made not primarily that we may love God (though we were mad for that too) but that God may love us, that we may become objects in which the Divine love my rest 'well pleased'. To ask that God's love should be content with is as we are is to ask that God should cease to be God: because He is, His love must, in nature of things, be impeded and repelled by certain stains in our present character, and because He already loves us He must labor to make us lovable"

God is Love so by definition He is not just satisfied with the norm, He made us for Him to love us, for us to be something greater for what we are!

So here is my letter,

"Dear Daughter,

I just want to tell you I love you. I love you so much it's crazy. I love you so much because Christ lives inside my heart, and with all the love He has poured out to me I just want to pour it out unto you. The love I can give in no way shape or form can compare to the love of Christ. He is Love. He is the author of love. He is love in the flesh, love in the spirit. He died for you, carried whatever sin you had and took it with Him on the cross. He went to the depths of Hades for you, and came back for you, and rose again for you so that He can spend eternity with you. I think of the love that Christ has for me and I just want so bad to give you just an ounce of that love. I know there will be times were you'll hate me, and not think of me as the coolest dad. I know you won't agree with all the decisions I make for you, and I will make mistakes myself but just know I love you, I love you, I love you. I want the love of Christ and the love I've shown you to set up bars and standards, I want a man of God to have to go through hoops to see you because God will have lifted you on high with a love for him that is deeper than the ocean. I want you to be 10x better than me. Not because I am trying to live my dreams through you but because I want you to soar like a eagle with the Holy Spirit as the wind guiding you. I want you to be the best because you are my child and even more a child of God. I care about you so much it's crazy. I pray that the man that takes your hand in matrimony loves you 10x as much as I love you. And if takes some time and you are single, don't think that it's a bad thing. God has someone for you. It might not be that you aren't ready, but they are not just yet ready. So pray for your future husband that he might learn to walk in Christ. But until then, be that majestic eagle I want you to be. Enjoy God in everyway. Be with Him. Love Christ more than you love me, because He is love. He is the author of love. So let Him and give Him room to write love in your life."

Love,

Your Earthly Father



 

The Hurdles of Living As A Christian Single Isn't Just A Girl Thing Part Deux

SEX!

There I said it...let me say it one more time

SEXXX!!!!!

Ok now that I got that out of the way....

This post is going to be talking about another major hurdle in the Christian walk which is abstinence and the emotions that are associated with it.  For both guys and girls it is one of the toughest things to deal it. Its flooded on the television, they have some of the most intense scenes in movies, and every single song on the radio hints to it.

But this post is not going to be talking about the issues of sex in media but rather the struggle of being an abstinent single in a sex craved society.

Now I have a lot of good female friends and they are honest about their issues regarding sex and yes they do crave it, but to them there is also that emotional attachment to it.

For men on the other hand,

This is how a man's sex drive is to us in our mind (at least in mine):

"NOT DEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS!!!"

Scary right? For many men it's purely animalistic. I will be completely honest, as much as I abstain and do all that I can to not engage in lustful activity, and stay away from relationships that might compromise my walk, there is still that innate animalistic urge to have sex. Like a guy that is a werewolf (I know they are not real, this is just an example), I'll have days were I'm good (No full moon) and I'll watch a movie, a topless scene will pop up and I'll think "Psshhh whatever, does nothing for me", but then I'll be at work and a co-worker will just wear that deadly shirt/pants combo that will accentuate her figure just right (Full moon) and just like the above image my mind will switch the animal mode and my mind and body are just craving to have sex. That even at times, being completely honest I've broken pen, pencils, and other objects because of how uncontrollable it gets.

It gets to the point where I'm question "God why did you even places these urges in my mind and in my heart?"

"Well Xavier, it's probably not that bad, it isn't like you have women coming after you for sex, you just have to divert your eyes"

WRONG!

Women, have you ever have this happen to you. You're a party you see a really cute guy, you know in your mind, he's not a Christian, and you think "There is no point" right? so you pay no attention to him and continue on with yo' bad self in this party or event or where ever you are. Then...your friend comes over

"You would not believe who thinks your cute..." In you're REALLY hoping it's not the cute guy who you saw when you walked into the room and hope it's the guy in the dance floor who's trying his best get "jiggy" with it so it's easier to give the "No, I'm ok"


(Dancing with the Star....Wars...)


 But nope its:


(Just to let my readers know I KINDA look like this guy )#ThingsIWishFor

Yeap one of the most attractive guys in the party likes you, but you know of him already, you know the past he's had with other women. He's not a bad guy, if anything deep down inside you know he's a great guy. He's been asking for you. He wants your number but you know he's not a Christian.

Your friends say: "Just flirt to convert" "Missionary date" "He'll learn to love Jesus"

But in the end of the day where is the relationship going to go? You know at one point you are going to reach a crossroad and the physical aspects of the relationship is going to take hold.

XAVIER WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS EXAMPLE!?!?!?!

Well dear readers,

The point is that for many Christian men situations like this arise. I don't not mean to toot my horn, but I don't think I am a bad looking guy, and there are plenty times where I will be somewhere with friends, and the same situation that I played out for you with females is the same thing that happens with me.

"OH....EM....GEE, wow Xavier it is so tough being a good looking guy that women want to date"

My answer to that is:

Yes. It is.

Not on being good looking (I'm not conceited), but imagine an abstinent male trying to not have sex going somewhere with a group of friends and then being told "Hey that girl likes you"

Not:

"Every time I see Xavier, I just stick my hands under my armpits"

But:

Can I just drown in those eyes?

She's a great girl, she makes you laugh, everything is great about her, she says all the right things, and is super into you...but guess what? You know she isn't a big fan of church, and she told your friend she wants to sleep with you. She's knows your a virgin, but she doesn't care, she thinks its cute, and if anything its more of a turn on because she knows that means you're not a man whore who is going to cheat on her.

The werewolf lustful part of me wants SOOO BAD to date her, to have sex with her, to be happy with someone who is so beautiful and so crazy about me.

But God has called me not to lust, but to serve Him and His glory. And a lot of situations like that I have always said

"No"

 And even the times that I have thought and was tempted to, God has always provided the will power to get over it.

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." -1 Corinthians 10:13

So for the men, and also the ladies that may be struggling with lust, let as keep steadfast and keep our eyes on Christ the ruler and redeemer and walk in the path of righteousness so that we may not stumble.

 "So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh" - Galatians 5:16

The Hurdles of Living As A Christian Single Isn't Just A Girl Thing Part 1

The False Perceptions:

I feel bad for many of the single women I know who try and remain faithful without allowing society's pressures of getting married right away take over them. I have seen as many Christian women cry, stress over, and sometimes even lose their faith in God because they felt as though they were faithful all this time, did everything they were supposed to do, and end the end were burnt of felt like they got the short end of the stick. Many times when I console them the response is usually like:

"How would you know Xavier? You're not a girl, it's different"

DIFFERENT!?

Trust me when I say this: "Although the sexes are different and the roles that we may play in dating or marriage are different there is still a struggle with being single and a Christian"

Being a male, even a Christian male, there is still a pressure to live up to a certain view or standard when it comes to women. Being in my 20's (also yes a virgin, saving it till marriage) and being single people assume either 3 things:

#1: Your gay and you won't admit it

I have gotten this countless times where people think because I haven't had sex or constantly date or won't date girls who want to have sex that I am gay. Family, friends, co-workers all at one point or another have assumed because of the path and the standards that I have chosen that I am a closeted gay man who is repressing my homosexual desires and the fear of being disapproved from society through abstinence and religion.

#2: You're a man whore

When talking about my abstinence I once had a Youth Pastor shocked because he had assumed I wasn't a virgin, and many people as well think the same. Sadly to say in this day in age abstinence among Christians isn't high anymore. As soon as you start dating a girl, the automatic assumption being made is that you've slept with her or did everything but have sex. In my group of friends I am one of the last few virgins, (In both my Christian and Non-Christian circles). I am a pretty outgoing guy so when being single for this long you learn how to casually communicate with both sexes and form friendships. Dating to me has been a struggle, but having close legitimate female friends never was. So at times when I talk to people about this topic, unless they know I am an abstinent virgin, they automatically assume that I am a man whore. They see all the female friends that I am close with and assume that I've slept with a majority of them and that I fear commitment (I'll talk about my fear in relationships another day).

#3: There is something wrong with you

"Xavier I don't get it, you're friendly, your not bad looking, your a Christian....so what's wrong with you?" The question of friends that I have heard so much it is to the point that I will purposely ignore their calls because I know that question is going to find its way into the conversation. I have spent countless hours with different people with their Psycho-5-Minute-Analysis of me and try to basically pin point all the problems and solutions to my singleness.

"You are too picky"

"You don't know what you want"

(Again) "You have a fear of commitment"

"You can't let that one girl in the past ruin all the other girls out there"

"You should just randomly date"

"I think your Christian walk is ruining your dating life"

"You have sex just once, let it out of your system and it'll make dating easier"

"You should go on OkCupid. eHarmony, Match.Com, PlentyOfFish, ChristianMingle, ChristianSingle"

"Just date a girl who isn't a Christian"


Usually when they talk to me I am like this:



But inside I'm feeling like this:



Again I am not saying that one struggle is harder than the other, if anything it's opposite sides of the same coin.

Verses To Remember During This Time:

The Christian walk was never meant to be easy at any point in time. If that was the case then there would be more Christians. Not saying that being called gay or picky is the pinnacle of persecution, but it can slowly wear away at your faith that at times you begin to internalize negative thoughts. The Bible is there to provide us with a means of dealing with the issue. Wither you are a guy or a girl.

2 Timothy 3:12:  ^"Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted"

 1 Peter 3:17: "For it is better to suffer for doing good, if that should be God's will, than for doing evil."

1 Peter 4:12-14: "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you."

Matthew 5:10: “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

John 15:19: "If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you."

Again being a single, wither you are a guy or girl. You are going to face issues and be made fun of and the butt of all jokes but hold fast and know that in the end God has a plan for your life and the persecution that you face now will pay off in the future. Have Hope! Keep the Faith! 

 

Links to check out

So here are some links on Christianity and Singleness for those who want other views or insight on the matter.

Relevant Magazine Articles:

Making the Most of Being Single

Being Single with Intentionality

5 Things I've Learned As a Single Person

Single And ...?

What God Can Do With Singleness

Other sources:

Singled Out: How Churches Can Embrace Unmarried Adults

I Don’t Wait Anymore.

Humor:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyperez/24-things-single-people-are-tired-of-hearing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAEuD9cylzE&noredirect=1

First Entry

So, this is the first entry of my blog. I'm not sure where to start off other than who I am and why I decided to start a blog.

First Xavier Eisenhardt is a pseudonym. But I am a male in my 20's who is a Christian and has been single for the majority of my adulthood. Dating and being single has been something that I have struggled with, but recently I have found myself helping those like myself deal with their singleness and swerving away of the potholes of the singleness road.

We live in an age where being a Christian and being single is one of the hardest things to do. We are constantly being bombarded with images and reminders that there is something wrong with us for being single. Churches have couples retreats, Sunday School for couples, pre-marital counseling, and family ministries leaving out a growing population of single Christians in the church out in the dark. Hopefully for those who stumble unto this blog this serves as a beacon of hope.

Some key points I just want to start off saying is:

#1: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!

People think just because you are not currently dating anyone that there is something wrong with you. You see as all your other friends getting into relationships and you think "God how come you bless them with relationships and not me?" At times you doubt your own self-worth and what's God's plans for you. First I would like to say:
You are wonderfully and fearfully made.

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. " - Psalms 139:14

You are a wonderful work of art, made in God's image to fulfill His plan in this world. Do not let others being in a relationship be the measurement of who you are, because the way that God sees you is greater than how you see yourself.

#2: SINGLENESS IS NOT FOREVER
 "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven"  -Ecclesiastes 3:1

Singleness many times is a season in our lives. It could be for a month, it could be for a year, it could be for a decade, but in the end of the day what are you doing in this season?

Instead of sitting around and asking the question:
- "Why am I single?"

Ask yourself:
- "What am I doing for God?"
- "How am I using this season of singleness to honor God?"

We are given a period in our lives where we are not held back by relationships to go out and be adventurous for Christ. Not saying you can not do that if you are married or in a relationship, but there are certain advantages to being single, so USE IT! If you do not know what gifts you have or what paths to take, invite the Holy Spirit in, and see what path He wants you to take.

#3 SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." - Matthew 6:25-34


When talking to the worship artist Jeremiah Bowser, I asked him the story of how he met his wife. To paraphrase what he told me, he basically said "I sought after God, she sought after God and we bumped to each other"

(Not saying seek after God only to find your soul mate)

But do not be anxious about your future, because God has a plan for you, like the verse Jeremiah 29:11 says: "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

But we need to seek first the Kingdom of God and all His righteousness! Many times we seek after a boyfriend/girlfriend, wife/husband harder than we seek after God. We spend more time reading relationship books than we do reading the Bible, we pray more about God giving us someone than asking God to let His Kingdom come and His will be done through us. C.S. Lewis has a quote that I love:

"When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now."

If we want love in our lives we need to know the author of love, to love the author of love so that when the author of love writes our love story we know how to better love

AGAIN I am new to this whole blogging thing so I'm sure you'll find grammatical errors here and there, but again I am just sharing my experiences of singleness to better help those going down the same path I am in.