Thursday, January 16, 2014

To Be Vunerable...

The rapper Tupac (2 Pac) to me was an interesting person.
 His mom was a former Black Panther turned crack addict and he grew up in a mix environment of education and street struggle. Listening to his earlier work you can hear how socially conscious his music was, but like people both in and out of the music industry, those around you can influence your views and behaviors and ultimately lead you down the wrong path of destruction that can lead to death (which in his case it did).
One thing that a lot of people don't know about Tupac is not only was he a rapper but he was also a poet. One that stuck out in my mind a lot was: "The Fear In The Heart Of A Man"
"Against an attacker I will boldly take my stand
Because my heart will show fear for no man
But for a broken heart I run with freight
Scared to be blind in a vulnerable night
I believe this fear is in every man
Some will acknowledge it, others will fail to understand
There is no fear in a shallow heart
Because shallow hearts don't fall apart
But feeling hearts that truly care
Are fragile to the flow of air
And if I am to be true then I must give my fragile heart
I may receive great joy or you may return it ripped apart"
One of the biggest fears that I realize I have developed during my singleness is a fear of being vulnerable. Many times people think I have a fear of commitment which seems to be the stereotypical response that most women give men, but for me it has nothing to do with commitment. If anything I want to do nothing more than to commit to one girl. I would absolutely love the opportunity to do that, but the one thing that I feel is stopping me is being vulnerable.
I HATE being vulnerable.
I feel so naked, especially when I am unsure of how the girl feels about me. It's one thing to have a crush and never tell them but it is another to tell them how you feel. I get anxiety over it. All these questions start racking up in my mind
"What if she only likes the idea of me?" (Ladies we will talk more about this later)
"What if she is talking to someone else?"
"What if I'm too much of a geek?"
"Did I say the wrong thing?"
"Am I trying too hard?"
"Am I not trying enough?"
"What if she thinks I am weird?"
"What if she breaks my heart?
"What if I think I like her but it's only an infatuation and I end up breaking her heart?"
It is honestly to the point where I will legit get anxiety. The worst is when they don't respond to a text. Then those questions really start to rack up. It was to the point that I would just wait for the rejection to happen. I would think of us dating at first but in the back of my mind I would just think "how long until she rejects me" and then it happens.
My unconscious fears slowly begin to creep up and seep out into my actions. I then become nervous, antsy, and unsure and now the once smooth Xavier is now the bumbling unconfident goof. I go from being Stephon to Urkel
It's not a pretty sight

But what does this have to do with our Christian walk with Christ? C.S. Lewis had a very interesting quote:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

Me staying with this fear of vulnerability is certainty not healthy and doesn't allow room for God to move within me. We are all called to love at some point in time. I pray during this season of my life that God changes and transforms my heart of stone into one of flesh

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." - Ezekiel 36:26

But for those reading this I pray the same for you.

It sucks, the heart breaks and disappointment we went through. It just plain sucks. It makes us question ourselves and wonder our worth, but we are not called to walk around forever with a heart of stone. We become bitter and it can also affect those around us.

That is why I have learned to wait on God.

The anxiety comes from trying to take control of a situation that is not in our control.

It's like ordering what you want at a restaurant and then following the waiter back into the kitchen and trying to make what you ordered, and when it doesn't come out the way you want, getting mad at the cook. Unless you know how to cook, you are not going to know what the heck you are doing.

When it comes to girls I have humbly learned that I don't know what the heck I am doing and I am going to humbly accept that and allow God to designate the place and time in my life when I am vulnerable enough to open my heart again.

So I hope to all of you reading this that you also take this into mind during the path of singleness to really allow God space to work. He is in the kitchen cooking up something. And we all know the best dishes are the dishes that take the longest to make but when they arrive in front of us we enjoy every second of it. We don't sit at the table anxiously awaiting for it to come. We talk, we drink, we laugh, we enjoy the moment we're in during that time and rejoice when the meal arrives. So while sitting at the table of singleness don't mop and look at all the other tables with food (food being relationships). Know that your food (relationship) is coming soon :).