Path of Paul: Living as a single Christian in today's society

Monday, March 10, 2014

BLOG TO FOLLOW

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/when-the-not-yet-married-meet-dating-to-display-jesus

Great blog regarding being single and dating. Check it out!!

Friday, February 14, 2014

I guess this is going to be one of the realist posts I am going to post...maybe...we'll see

Lately God has just been speaking me. Literally has been putting people in my life to speak His word. It is coming to a point where I am going to have to sit down and really listen to what He is trying to say in my life and not ignore it. ESPECIALLY when it comes to my singleness.

I am not going to lie as much as I preach on being single I still long to be with someone and at times there have been female friends that a part of me really wants to pursue. But that is not the only issue

But during this time of singleness, your mind tends to wander. And as much as you don't want it to, it does. It sometimes wanders to places that it shouldn't which I am fully admitting to. Places like looking at married woman and looking at them with lustful eyes. Thinking in the back of your mind what would happen if they came on to you? Literally coveting my friend's relationships thinking "I'm a better Christian than them, how come you blessed them with a relationship and not me?"

And God answered my question and even as I am typing this I feel so ashamed that these thoughts are/were in my mind.

A friend who I have spoken to in literally a year calls me out of no where and me and him begin a 3 hour conversation. We talked about everything under the sun and the topic of relationships came up. Something that he said was

"You have to remember that God is not only your Father, He is her Father too, and just like how an Earthly father will defend his daughter from questionable boys, so will their Heavenly Father"

Granted my friend wasn't saying that I was a questionable person, because he was talking in generalities, the Holy Spirit was speaking through him VERY clearly and BOLDLY. God knew all about the nasty gunk that was in my heart and just like how He is my Father and He wants the best for me, He also wants the best for His daughter's as well. And if God who created me and knows me better than I know myself and knows that right now I am not ready and needs to protect His daughters from me at this moment than let His will be done.

Which leads me to my second situation when God spoke to me which is when a female friend called me randomly when she was driving home

So she was a girl I had a long history with both friendship wise and romantic wise. Our relationship had its ups and downs and a lot of it I will admit was due to my immaturity of my feelings and my selfish ambitions which I fully admit and take responsibility for and our friendship at times suffered greatly because of it.

She called me and we are now on pretty good terms and we were catching up in our life and talking about school and the question of women came up and she asked me if I was dating because to her I had the reputation of always talking to a girl (which for quite sometime it was true) and I told her about the last girls that I had talked to and my struggles and she laid it on me THICK like she was brutally honest about me and my flip floppiness regarding my interest in girls, which she had every right too because she had suffered at my craziness.

She told me straight up and there was no lying to this girl because she knows so much about me that I could not deny or fight whatever she told me because what she told me was true. I would string girls along then drop them when I couldn't handle it. That in the end of the day I didn't know what I wanted and even though all our friends wanted me to date I had to spend time to really not date.

"You can not lie to me Xavier, and all though you have changed in many other areas in your life and you've grown, the one area that you haven't was how you handle your love life"

Which was absolutely true.

I had grown and matured in so many ways but when it came to love and relationships I was still a boy trying to figure out how to deal with my emotions. Her words I felt like was God's way of telling me

"Listen you have grown and have done and accomplished a lot, but when it comes to love, I need you to be honest with yourself and know that there is still a lot of stuff you need to work on"

The last words of wisdom God bestowed upon me was when I was listening to a sermon online.

The pastor was preaching on the word of Mark and out of no where the pastor says

"Stop praying for the wife you want to marry, start praying to be come the husband she wants to marry"

This whole time that I was single, I was walking around making comments like

- "God I want a wife like her",
- "God it would be amazing if my wife looked that good",
- "God, I hope my wife can be (X, Y, and Z)"

and it dawned on me at that point that I was praying to God for the wife that I wanted rather than asking:

"God am I the husband my wife would want to marry?"

And the answer that question honestly it would have to be a resounding

"No"

I am not ready plain and simple. There is no hiding it, or denying it. There is so much that I need to work on and as much as to other people I am a great catch, I can not measure what the world views of me but rather what does God see me in me. Am I measuring my worth and what I deserve based on what the world thinks or what God thinks?

I urge those reading this to think the same. During this season of singleness, are there areas that you need to work in, that you are not being honest with yourself?

I pray you find that answer and that God guides your path to emotional, mental, and spiritual growth!

- God Bless.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Blog post entitled: "What Not To Tell Single Girls (And some things you should do)."

An interesting post written by a woman named Chelsea on what people should and shouldn't say to Christian women who are currently single.

Article here

One of my fave quotes is:

"Now sometimes this statement is altered slightly to be directed towards the spouse in hiding: 'The Lord is just preparing him for you.' Or maybe even they will be bold enough to say right out that the Lord is preparing you..."

Visit her website at: http://thechelseawinepress.weebly.com/

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Relevant Article: Three Things I wish I Knew When I Was Single

First I would like to apologize for the gap of the blog posts. I was going through some minor personal issues that was delaying the blog.

OK now that, that is out of the way here

The Relevant article is here

Debra K Fileta is my favorite writers in Relevant Magazine because she does a good job writing on the topic of singleness, dating, and marriage. Here is her book (I might have to check it out one of these days)

She brings a great point in the article that being single has to do more about who you are than who you are with. We need to take time to true and figure ourselves out and what we are about.

"So many times, our years of singleness are spent focusing on who we’re going to be with, rather than who we are. Countless hours and limitless energy are poured into getting to know the person standing before us, many times, at the neglect of ourselves. We can spend so much time trying to find the right person, that we actually lose ourselves in the process."

On this road of singleness there are A LOT of things that I was able to realize about myself. One being that I have an issue of being vulnerable

I placed myself in countless situations, rushed into them and getting myself hurt, and also I have so much going on between, school, church, and work that to be honest with myself I don't know if I even have time for a girlfriend.

For many of us we have issues with sexual impurity, vanity, greed, or envy, and although no one is perfect and engaging in a Godly relationship is not between two Godly Christians but rather two broken people, these are things that we should work on while single. Many people think

"When I'm in a relationship it'll be easier to deal with my (sexual impurity, vanity, greed, envy..etc)"

When if anything it makes it HARDER.

Lust especially is tougher when you're with someone else, but what I always prided myself on was on the fact that I am a virgin who was going to wait for marriage and my friends would always throw the "What If" scenarios and I would say with pride "Nope I can say 'No'" fast-forward to laying on the couch with my then girlfriend, just us two, and we've been making out for about two hours and I allow my hands to creep up her shirt and under her bra.

I would love to say that was only once but...NOPE...every single time afterwards I felt my hands to the same over and over again. Thank God she was a stronger Christian than me and never allowed things to progressively get worse but it opened my eyes that I am not as strong as I thought I was. It should not just be the woman's role in the relationship to have self control but the man if anything should be stronger in that area and set the boundaries.

Sometimes it's not even what we are doing that we need to correct but what we are NOT doing (Reading the Bible, serving, praying, fasting)

Many of us are so desperate for a girlfriend or boyfriend that we cram them into a world that they do not fit into yet. Everything has a time and a place, and when we invited Christ into our life, we gave Him authority over every aspect of ourselves including our love life.

In the end of it all it's more about who are than who you are with

"It’s hard not to be single-minded when you’re on the search for love (no pun intended). It’s easy to focus in on your desires in the here and now. But the truth is, finding a relationship is just part of God’s bigger story for your life. I think the most foundational truth that I’ve learned now that I’m a married woman is that my life has far more to do with finding my purpose than it ever did with finding someone to marry."

Thursday, January 16, 2014

To Be Vunerable...

The rapper Tupac (2 Pac) to me was an interesting person.

His mom was a former Black Panther turned crack addict and he grew up in a mix environment of education and street struggle. Listening to his earlier work you can hear how socially conscious his music was, but like people both in and out of the music industry, those around you can influence your views and behaviors and ultimately lead you down the wrong path of destruction that can lead to death (which in his case it did).

One thing that a lot of people don't know about Tupac is not only was he a rapper but he was also a poet. One that stuck out in my mind a lot was: "The Fear In The Heart Of A Man"

"Against an attacker I will boldly take my stand
Because my heart will show fear for no man
But for a broken heart I run with freight
Scared to be blind in a vulnerable night

I believe this fear is in every man
Some will acknowledge it, others will fail to understand
There is no fear in a shallow heart
Because shallow hearts don't fall apart

But feeling hearts that truly care
Are fragile to the flow of air
And if I am to be true then I must give my fragile heart
I may receive great joy or you may return it ripped apart"

One of the biggest fears that I realize I have developed during my singleness is a fear of being vulnerable. Many times people think I have a fear of commitment which seems to be the stereotypical response that most women give men, but for me it has nothing to do with commitment. If anything I want to do nothing more than to commit to one girl. I would absolutely love the opportunity to do that, but the one thing that I feel is stopping me is being vulnerable.

I HATE being vulnerable.

I feel so naked, especially when I am unsure of how the girl feels about me. It's one thing to have a crush and never tell them but it is another to tell them how you feel. I get anxiety over it. All these questions start racking up in my mind

"What if she only likes the idea of me?" (Ladies we will talk more about this later)

"What if she is talking to someone else?"

"What if I'm too much of a geek?"

"Did I say the wrong thing?"

"Am I trying too hard?"

"Am I not trying enough?"

"What if she thinks I am weird?"

"What if she breaks my heart?

"What if I think I like her but it's only an infatuation and I end up breaking her heart?"

It is honestly to the point where I will legit get anxiety. The worst is when they don't respond to a text. Then those questions really start to rack up. It was to the point that I would just wait for the rejection to happen. I would think of us dating at first but in the back of my mind I would just think "how long until she rejects me" and then it happens.

My unconscious fears slowly begin to creep up and seep out into my actions. I then become nervous, antsy, and unsure and now the once smooth Xavier is now the bumbling unconfident goof. I go from being Stephon to Urkel

It's not a pretty sight

But what does this have to do with our Christian walk with Christ? C.S. Lewis had a very interesting quote:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

Me staying with this fear of vulnerability is certainty not healthy and doesn't allow room for God to move within me. We are all called to love at some point in time. I pray during this season of my life that God changes and transforms my heart of stone into one of flesh

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." - Ezekiel 36:26

But for those reading this I pray the same for you.

It sucks, the heart breaks and disappointment we went through. It just plain sucks. It makes us question ourselves and wonder our worth, but we are not called to walk around forever with a heart of stone. We become bitter and it can also affect those around us.

That is why I have learned to wait on God.

The anxiety comes from trying to take control of a situation that is not in our control.

It's like ordering what you want at a restaurant and then following the waiter back into the kitchen and trying to make what you ordered, and when it doesn't come out the way you want, getting mad at the cook. Unless you know how to cook, you are not going to know what the heck you are doing.

When it comes to girls I have humbly learned that I don't know what the heck I am doing and I am going to humbly accept that and allow God to designate the place and time in my life when I am vulnerable enough to open my heart again.

So I hope to all of you reading this that you also take this into mind during the path of singleness to really allow God space to work. He is in the kitchen cooking up something. And we all know the best dishes are the dishes that take the longest to make but when they arrive in front of us we enjoy every second of it. We don't sit at the table anxiously awaiting for it to come. We talk, we drink, we laugh, we enjoy the moment we're in during that time and rejoice when the meal arrives. So while sitting at the table of singleness don't mop and look at all the other tables with food (food being relationships). Know that your food (relationship) is coming soon :).

Monday, January 6, 2014

Guard My Heart & Guide My Steps

I've always saw singleness like double dutch

For those who don't know what double dutch is, its a game played where you have two people on opposite ends of the jump rope and they are holding two jump ropes in each hand and they turn their hand in a circular motion going inwards. The person on the outside of the rope has to jump in at the right time. If you jump in too early and off beat you get hit by the rope, but if you don't jump in at all then you'll be standing there looking like an idiot with people just randomly swinging ropes. As soon as you are in you have to keep up with the rhythm of the ropes, if not you won't last too long. Sometimes you jump in at the right time and stay in the rhythm for a while, sometimes you jump in and only after a few hops you mess up.

We feel like that sometimes when people we are attracted to come into our lives. When we see someone we like, we play this weird dance. We don't want to jump the gun too early and completely mess up something that could have been fun but you don't want to miss out and stand outside waiting when the invitation is clearly there. Even when you do hope in on time and sometimes you only make a few hops before you completely mess up.

I have come across this issue countless times during my long single life. A girl will always come along and I can see the invitation. I think to myself "OK I see the invitation, I see the opening, I have done this countless times, I know how to jump in, lets see if there is the time where I stay in there long."
I JUMP IN...after some successful few hops, I completely fail and the have to wait until the rope started spinning again.

What I would love, was if there was some kind of timer or green light. As soon as you are supposed to jump in, the light turns green and a metronome sound beeps so you know what pace to stay on. Things like that I always felt would make jumping in so easy. ( And FYI I ain't talking about jump rope).

The thing is, is that we do have a green light. It's called GOD.

I know corny connection right? But it is soo true.

The reason being is this, when we take that leap of faith of jumping into the complications of double dutch relationships what serves as our green light? Our heart! Why? Because that is what we were told to follow by society.

The common phrase now-a-days is "Follow your heart". I hear it from my friends all the time. I can be bit over calculating when it comes to when a girl likes me. I think of the possible outcomes of dating the person, traits that based on the past I have had a tough time with (women who swear, excessively drink, don't go to church, etc.) and when I explain to my friends (which I have now learned not to do) why I feel I should pursue anything with that girl the first thing that comes out of their mouth is

"You should follow your heart"

What's crazy about this statement is that is very un-Christian.

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" -Jeremiah 17:9
Why would you follow something that at times is deceitful? If you knew someone who was deceitful and they told you, "Hey follow me, it's ok your friend's think its a good idea" would you go?
So then what are you supposed to do? You don't want to to whimsically put your heart out there for it to be shot down, but you also don't want to be a like the Tin-Man in the Wizard of Oz with no heart so what are you supposed to do?

The mindset I have came up with for the year of 2014 is:

"God guard my heart and guide my steps"

The mantra came from this:

1) I want Christ to reside in my heart.

"So that Christ may dwell in your heart through faith-that you, being rooted and grounded in love" - Ephesians 3:17
He has knit me in my mother's womb. He knows me better than I know myself, so why allow my myself to mislead myself? Why allow the ghost of "What If?" to plague my mind? I'd rather have the Holy Spirit be control of the "What Is" than to allow the Ghost of Doubt control the "What If"

2) The heart tells a lot of our character.

Jesus says it best in Mark 7: 20-23 when He talks about the heart and how it doesn't what we put IN our body but rather what comes OUT:
"Don't you see that nothing that enters a person from the outside can defile them? For it doesn't go into the heart but into their stomach, and then out of the body" He went on: "What comes out of a person is what defiles them. For it is from within, out of a person's heart that evil thoughts come - sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance, and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person" - Jesus

3) Our own heart can be deceitful

Kinda like how I mentioned before that the heart above everything else is deceitful so why blindly only follow it?

4) God has set eternity in the hearts of man

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." - Ecclesiastes 3:11

I love this verse. This verse to me speaks volumes and is so true. God has something planned that the human heart can not even fathom. So instead of trying to comprehend it, instead of trying to lean in your own understanding, why not humbly accept that you are not in control of everything?

5) I don't know where I am going. But God does

"Direct my footsteps according to Your word; let no sin rule over me." - Psalms 119: 133

I don't know where I am ultimately going, but God does. Although I have eternity set in my heart, I have a mind that cannot fathom who He is, what I do have is feet that can walk. So while I walk on this path of God I want Him to guide me and direct me to where it is I have to go.

These five things lead to the one statement of "Guard my Heart & Guide my Steps"

I want God to guard my heart. Not like you would see in cartoons with a big castle, a wide moat, and a fire breathing dragon outside. But guard it like a football player would guard a football. Held underneath his arm tightly, running with full speed and power with the one goal of taking it to the end zone. And when I arrive to where it is I need to be, to be let go in cheer and in victory spiked down on the ground.

I pray to God to keep it safe, to correct it, to nurture it, for it grow so that when the time comes He can let it go to where it needs to be let go. While He is nurturing my heart I want Him to guide my steps and show me where it is I need to be. What it is He needs me to do. What things I should stay away from.

So I pray the same to all of you, those who in this season that are walking the single path. Pray that God might guard your hear and guide your step. Pray that God might cultivate your heart, not just for the sole purpose of finding a spouse but to be an instrument for whatever gift or ministry He has for you.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Seeking counsel from Non-Christians

Like I have mentioned various times before I have two set of friends. Those that are Christians and those that don't make Christianity a huge priority in their lives. Both groups of friends are great and ultimately I know deep down in side want the best for me. The only thing is that their definition of what's "best" is different.

With the New Year comes reflection and I have reflected a whole lot. I have realized that as much as I have been hurt by girls, I have done my fair share of damage done. I can sit here and complain that I am lonely when I can look back at the countless times girls have pursued me or friends have set me up with girls and I have told them "no". The reason for me saying "no" has always been for, in my mind, justifiable reasons. But it has been enough that this year I am going to make an active attempt to stand clear of any set ups or people showing interest, unless God says, "here you go, I choose her for you wither you say yes or no".

What the heck does this have to do with counsel Xavier?

Well,

This is something I want to tell all my friends about. I want to speak and talk to my friends about this choice that I have made and I want them to help me during this path of singleness. I want them to keep me accountable whenever I might be unintentionally misleading to a girl. I want them to keep me grounded and away from the "What if" scenarios that pop up every time I see a girl I think is cute. I want them to remind me to focus on the ministries that I have committed myself to and to focus on my school work.

But that is the tough thing about seeking the counsel and advice of those that walk in the path of Christ and those that don't. Again I am in no place to place judgment on anyone and I am not, but there is something about seeking those that are in Christ and those that are not. Had I read that statement of singleness to many of my Christian friends they would have heard it and 100% agreed with me and helped me. On the other hand those that aren't really in Christ would have heard that and probably laughed and thought that was crazy and that I was "over reading into things" "to just continue dating around" that " that is what dating is all about". But the path and perspective they are in is different than yours.

To many a path is a path, it'll eventually lead to somewhere. But that is the difference between the narrow path and the wide path. In the narrow path you may not be able to see what's at the end of the path but at least you can see the sides of the path and you know what direction to walk to. The thing about a path that is wide is that, it came be so wide that you don't know if you're actually moving forward or just walking from one side to the other side. This gives you a certain perspective on life and how you want to walk it. Not saying I am always on the straight path because TRUST me I am still trying my very best to make my path more and more narrow. But for those that are committed to the narrow path, be weary of the advice you take from those that are not on the same path as you especially when it comes to dating.

Put it this way:

If you were headed to Atlantic City, New Jersey and your friend was headed to Newark, New Jersey and this friend tried telling you that you're headed the wrong way and that you need to follow them. In your mind you'd think that they were crazy, you wouldn't follow their advice obviously but why is your friend trying to steer you in the wrong direction?

And part of the reflection of the past year that is one of the things I came to realize.

In all honesty, not to start off the New Years on a somber note, but many of the friends that are close to me I realize rejoice when I stray from my Christian walk. What's shameful for me to admit is that I joke around with them about it, and laugh with them but honestly deep down inside it makes me wonder about them. It is interesting with some group of friends, when you tell them to do the right thing, they fight you tooth and nail and complain that you are not accepting them for who they are, but when it comes to what you stand for and your beliefs they are willing to quickly try and change and corrupt that. To tell them that their views of women or men is truly degrading and shameful is met with scorn but your virtues of maintaining your virginity is met with jokes and a constant reminder that you in many ways are less of a man because of your sexual inexperience. But things like that are to be expected because what they want out of life is very different than what you want out of life.

Not saying turn a deaf ear to all your friends and the advice they give you because I have had great advice from people who weren't Christian and bad advice from those who are Christians, but be mindful on the people and the advice they give. Questions to ask yourself when someone gives you advice is,

"Does this advice help and advance or hurt and hinder my walk with Christ?"

LETS PRACTICE!

"Hey you need to sleep with them now before you get married because what if they suck at sex? This way you'll know before hand and you won't be tied down to someone who sucks at sex"